By Katherine Clements, (Who Definitely Knows Where Hers Are)
Why clutter your boat with safety equipment in places that make sense? Life jackets, after all, are bulky, unfashionable, and — let’s be honest — rarely needed. So naturally, the best place to store them is somewhere deeply philosophical, mildly inconvenient, and completely inaccessible in the unlikely event of an emergency.
Start by asking yourself an important question: “When was the last time I actually needed a life jacket?”
Exactly. Probably never. Which means you are free to treat them like holiday decorations or tax documents — stored far away, ideally under multiple layers of unrelated gear.
The gold standard is placing life jackets beneath the forward berth, behind spare anchor rode, under a box of mystery parts you haven’t touched since 2009. For extra security, make sure accessing them requires removing at least three cushions, opening two hatches, and performing a yoga move that challenges both flexibility and emotional stability.
Another excellent option is to vacuum-seal them and bury them in a lazarette packed tightly with dock lines, old fenders, and a cooler that may or may not still contain bait from last season. This not only keeps the jackets pristine but also ensures that, in an emergency, everyone aboard can bond while debating which locker they might be in.
Some boaters prefer the “aesthetic-first” approach. Life jackets ruin the vibe, especially on a well-appointed vessel. Why leave them out where guests might see them and feel subtly reminded of mortality? Much better to hide them completely so your boat maintains a carefree, magazine-ready look right up until the moment you really wish you hadn’t.
Parents, of course, should take this philosophy one step further. Children really don’t need to know where life jackets are, do they? That would only encourage a barrage of annoying questions, responsibility, or — worse — preparedness. Convince those gullible little tykes that the jackets simply appear when needed, like magic, or the Coast Guard.
Better yet, turn the whole “where are the life jackets?” issue into a game for the youngsters! After all, why should the kids not share in your blatant irresponsibility. Turn it into a game of hide and seek: “Hey, sport, hey princess, want to help the adults find the most crucial, life-saving tools on the boat? Yayyyyyy!”
In the rare scenario where someone does ask, you can confidently respond, “They’re on board somewhere,” which is both technically correct and emotionally reassuring.
And remember, if conditions change quickly — weather kicks up, someone slips, or something unexpected happens — this isn’t the time to rush. Emergencies are stressful enough without having safety gear immediately available. A slow, thoughtful search through lockers while the boat rocks gently builds character and teamwork.
Of course, maritime safety experts, boating instructors, and the law would suggest that life jackets should be readily accessible, clearly marked, and wearable at a moment’s notice. But where’s the adventure in that?
Because boating isn’t just about being safe. It’s about optimism. And nothing says optimism like believing you’ll never need the thing specifically designed to save your life.
Editor’s note: In real life, life jackets should always be stored in a clearly marked, easily reachable location and worn when conditions warrant. Satire aside, safety gear only works if you can get to it in time.
